Raw Emotions, Steely Resolve

As I began writing this post on Friday, it rained outside my window and the local jazz station kept me company. I was in a foul mood. The week had been shitty on all fronts – in news of what happened in the world and news of what happened in my family. I got a stomach ache watching the coverage of the protests in Los Angeles and the subsequent over-reaction of the Trump administration, then fretted about my grown son whose father had a heart attack Monday afternoon that resulted in a triple bypass on Thursday. I hung out with my three-year-old granddaughter a couple of days to help out Shawn and Beka as they navigated Beka’s last week of school before summer break and Shawn’s long hours at the hospital. Maeve was in perfect three-year-old form: her answer to everything was no. By the time I sat down at my writing desk Friday morning, all I really wanted to do was sit on our deck with a shot glass of whiskey. Alas, the deck was drenched in rain.

My stomach was also in knots thinking about Saturday’s No Kings rally in St. Paul, which Mick and I decided we must attend. This year marks the first year I’m afraid for my safety at such events. I’ve been to several demonstrations in years past – when the RNC was in St. Paul, the big women’s march in 2017, the March for Science, a big anti-gun rally after Parkland, two demonstrations so far this year. The one for Saturday had me worried, but, of course, that’s exactly what the current administration wants. So, I decided to stuff that worry and go anyway. Everything about our lives – safety, health, freedoms enshrined in the Constitution, a future – is at stake.

And then Saturday morning arrived. We woke to the news of a shelter in place order for the northwestern part of our metro area because someone impersonating a police officer had shot Minnesota State Representative Melissa Hortman, her husband, Minnesota State Senator John Hoffman, and his wife. Hortman and her husband died. Both Hortman and Hoffman were Democrats. The shooter, who ran away on foot when real police approached him, left behind a vehicle that looked a lot like a police vehicle and contained a list of many other lawmakers as targets, along with a manifesto. The list, apparently, mentioned the No Kings demonstrations. Public safety announcements went out, some events got cancelled.

But the one at the Minnesota State Capitol went on. Thousands of us showed up. The idea that someone would do such a thing, target lawmakers, try to scare people into staying home, pissed us off. It fired us up. We listened to Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, and lawyer and activist Nekima Levy Armstrong, and others talk about the necessity of standing up for what is right in this moment. And continuing to stand up and oppose an administration that ignores the laws of this country, ignores the well-being of people everywhere. An administration that foments violent acts against anyone who might disagree with what’s happening.

This all feels surreal. Chilling. Whipping up fear to control an entire population is not a great long-term plan.

My mood has not improved. My resolve, however, is getting stronger every day.